Those Phrases given by A Parent That Rescued Me when I became a First-Time Parent

"I think I was just trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the reality soon became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her main carer in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct words "You're not in a good spot. You require some help. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mothers and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a wider inability to open up among men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - going on a few days away, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "poor actions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a friend, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their stories, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the security and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."