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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.